i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
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