i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. š
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
His wife found the thong I āforgotā in his glovebox
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