I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
