yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
