weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How does it feel to date your dad?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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