I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
