I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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