i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
