I puked a lego.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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