I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
