nut hugger
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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