woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
