I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
