I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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