Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
