so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
