Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
