she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
