apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
