I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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