i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
