I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am naked and annoyed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
