My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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