the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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