Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
