I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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