So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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