i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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