he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
