im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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