I wish I could punch you in the face.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
