We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
