My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
