i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
