yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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