so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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