Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
