I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
