The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
