One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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