I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
