Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
