like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
