I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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