I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
