when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
