but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
