At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
