Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
