Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
